College Admissions: The Big Picture

I’ve worked as a high school college counselor since 2014. For the past twelve years, I’ve helped students navigate what feels like the biggest transition - and decision - of their lives thus far.

And it is! For the average 17-year-old, this will be the first time they have lived away from home, the first time they will have to start over with a new group of friends (and actually make those new friends!), and the first time they will have to manage their time completely on their own. And, most importantly, it will be the first time they make a decision that will affect the trajectory of their lives: very successful or a complete failure…forever.

See what I did there?

Teenagers have a tendency to catastrophize the impact of their college choice. Yes, this is an important process that ends with a big decision - but it’s not the only big decision. It is one of many forks in the road your child will encounter that will allow them to grow into themselves, learn some important lessons, and develop into a thoughtful, engaged, self-aware adult. Their college choice is important, sure, but it is not as important as the decisions they make as a college student, regardless of where they go. 

Challenge Success, a nonprofit affiliated with Stanford’s Graduate School of Education, conducted research to better understand the relationship between college selectivity and student outcomes. In their 2018 paper, A Fit Over Rankings, researchers found no evidence that students’ learning suffered when they attended a less selective college, nor did selectivity appear to have a significant effect on long-term earnings. But in my opinion, their most important finding had little to do with where students went to college at all - what mattered most was what they did once they got there. 

They shared, “The students who benefit the most from college are those who are most engaged in their academics and campus communities, taking advantage of the opportunities and resources their particular institution provides. Engagement is the key.”

This concept should make sense to us, the adults in the room. We all know individuals who have achieved success in different ways, whose paths started at a college outside of the top 20. We know that the most successful people are those who take advantage of the opportunities around them, work hard, think critically and creatively, and have the soft skills needed to collaborate well with others and network effectively. These qualities can be developed at any college, and even without college. Oftentimes, they are developed over time - through trial and error, in the early stages of our careers. So why do we continue to push this narrative that our college choice is the first and only decision that will determine long term success?

I lead with this not because I want to deter your child from applying to highly selective schools. I believe in building a balanced college list, and that list should include reaches. But I also think it is incredibly important that we remind students that their success is not dependent on getting into those schools. Success in this process means making thoughtful choices about where to apply and, ultimately, where to attend. And once they get there, it means taking advantage of everything that college has to offer, whether that college started out as a likely, target, or reach on their list.

The question I get asked most often from parents is, “How can I support my child through this process?” This is how. It is crucial that we remind our students of the big picture. Yes, it is important that they take their time with this process and make a thoughtful decision at the end of it, but this decision does not carry as much weight as their 17-year-old minds may be telling them it does.

The college application process will inevitably bring up a lot of emotions, including some difficult ones. If students enter into it with a desperate desire to be chosen by a very small group of schools, they may begin to question their value, their accomplishments, and whether they are “enough.” They may compare themselves to others and interpret rejection as evidence of personal failure. And although we can’t avoid those feelings completely (a denial doesn’t feel good for anyone!) we can help keep them from becoming the defining experience of the college admissions process.

So, how else can you best support your child? 

Every family is different, and every parent-child dynamic is different. Some students want more check-ins, others want less. Some desire more involvement, some want autonomy. Keeping that in mind, here is where I would start:

1. Have the conversation to understand what support looks like

This one is important. Instead of just assuming you know how to best support your child, ask them directly. At my last high school, we encouraged parents to text their child at the end of our 12th grade parent night, “How can I best support you in this process? Can we sit down and talk about it?” Your child may not even know how to answer at first, and that's okay! What we want is for you to have a space to talk about expectations, boundaries, and support so that everyone is on the same page.

2. Reframe this process as a celebration

Here’s the thing... it is a celebration. Applying to college is an opportunity to reflect on how much you have grown since freshman year, and to take inventory of the experiences, accomplishments, and relationships that have shaped you. What were the major lessons that shaped your world view? What did you discover that you love to do for fun? What were the teams, clubs, friend groups that became your communities? What would those people say about you and your impact? 

We don’t often take the time to pause and ask ourselves these questions. Even as adults, this kind of reflection can help us better understand ourselves and appreciate the milestones, big and small, that brought us to where we are. Remind your child that they are worth celebrating, and that they have unique, interesting, and important things to share.

3. Don’t forget the big picture!

I’m circling back to this one because your child may lose perspective along the way, and this is where we (the parents, counselors, adults in the room) can step in. They may become convinced that getting into UC Davis instead of UCLA is going to fundamentally alter who they become. They may watch a friend get admitted somewhere they were denied and suddenly feel behind. They may decide that an admissions decision means something about their intelligence or potential.

In these moments, model perspective for them and remind them of the big picture. The goal isn’t to convince them that college doesn’t matter - it’s to help them understand that their success is not dependent on this one choice alone. Remind them that they have the skills, character, and agency to build a meaningful and successful life, no matter where they go.

So yes, the college decision is a big one. There will be excitement, disappointment, and probably a few tears along the way (from parents, too!). But in the grand scheme of things, it's just one of many big decisions your child will make. Our job is to help them see the possibilities ahead, regardless of where they end up. And if you need help reinforcing that perspective, lean on their school counselor, independent college counselor, and/or teachers. Sometimes, hearing the same message from another trusted adult can make all the difference.

This process is about so much more than the acceptance letters in front of them. That's the big picture.

Note: Since writing this article, The New York Times has published new data comparing graduate salaries across colleges and majors. The findings are interesting: a school's name or ranking doesn't necessarily translate to higher earnings within four years of graduation. In fact, graduates from lower-ranked schools sometimes outearn their peers from more prestigious institutions, depending on their major. While starting salaries don't tell the full story of long-term career success (the big picture!), this research offers a useful perspective for families weighing tuition costs against the immediate return on investment. Explore the findings here!

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This blog is guest-written by Shalyn Tharayil (who goes by Shay). Shay has worked with high schoolers in Los Angeles, Hong Kong, and Dubai — sitting across from students wrestling with everything from the UC system to the IB diploma to “my parents and I disagree about Engineering vs. Theater.”

Shay is a trained UCLA Undergraduate Admissions reader (and a proud alum — go Bruins). Through her school-based roles, she has met with hundreds of college admissions reps, both U.S. and international. She knows how the rooms actually work, and how to help your student show up in them, as themselves.